Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
