my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
