Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
