this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
