Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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