don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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