I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
