Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
