I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
