Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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