A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
