you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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