This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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