all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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