bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He felt like a one man threesome
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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