Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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