I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You made out with two different species that night
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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