You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
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Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
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He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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