I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
