I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
