my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
