He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
