I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
