Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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