So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
