A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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