I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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