Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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