i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
