youre lurking in front of me
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
