don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
