I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
