Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
