Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
