Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
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I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
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at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.