Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.