ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?