DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
