I cannot find my penis.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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