My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
