Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
