I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
