I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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