Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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