my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
