You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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