my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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