can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
