you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
