I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
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