She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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