I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
