I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
