im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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