Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
