you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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