I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
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Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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